4 - what are you going to do about it?

4- What are YOU going to do about it?

Congratulations. You’ve pulled back the bandage to expose the wound you may not have known was there. You’ve done the hard work of teasing out what caused you to react in a particular way – one that may not have been the healthiest or in your best interest. Now what?

It’s a good question, and one that should give you pause. Before going any further, I want to define some terms that I’ll be coming back to again and again throughout this blog.

I grew up in a world that was divided into absolutes. There was good and bad, right and wrong, light and dark, with precious little in the middle between them. It was a code that I tried to live by – make the “right” choice, be a “good” person. I did my best to always fall on the “right” side of things.

I remember being about 12 or so and having a conversation with one of my older brothers about these absolutes. He was trying to convince me that things aren’t that simple or concrete. In other words, there is light AND dark. There is lighter and darker; there are shades of gray. Unfortunately, it didn’t compute with my tween brain, and my sense of how morality worked. It has taken me years to begin to unravel that framework and start to see the beautiful shades of gray that are everywhere in the world.

It is an ongoing process. Words matter, which is why I want to use the terms healthy vs unhealthy going forward. Better yet – use healthier choices vs less healthy choices. These terms are not perfect and have their own limitations, but they are a good start. For now, they are helpful because they allow for a gradation of responses. It is not just a choice between the stark opposites of good/bad or right/wrong. In every situation, there are a range of responses – some are healthier and some are unhealthier. They are all choices and give you latitude in how to respond.

In brief, healthy choices make you feel more expansive, whereas unhealthy choices make you feel more contracted. More on this topic in a later post.

I also want to talk a bit about recovery. There are strong strains of alcoholism and codependency in my extended family of origin. I’m sure many of you can relate. These systems come with their own sets of beliefs, actions, and patterns of thinking. It takes a great deal of effort to pull yourself out of them. This is the process of recovery. Although I am not part of a formal 12-Step process right now, I do admire the framework that these recovery programs provide. I have found this framework quite helpful in beginning the process of untangling my unhealthy beliefs, patterns, and actions.

Which leads me to one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten. I was attending “Family Week” at a recovery center – where the family members come to learn about the nature of addiction and how to engage with and support their loved one in recovery. The leader of our small group was named Dave. He was a large man, with an even larger presence. He was charismatic and engaging. No matter what the person in recovery was going through, he always asked them “What are YOU going to do about it?”

“You’re an alcoholic – what are YOU going to do about it?” “Your wife left you, what are YOU going to do about it?” “You are thousands of dollars in debt – what are YOU going to do about it?”

It is simple, but so effective. It places the ball in your court and gives you the ability and the responsibility to respond on your own. You don’t have to be the victim of your circumstances, but you can take control of them. You have a choice. How will you respond? Will it be in a healthy manner or an unhealthy manner?

You’ve pulled off the bandages, and there is your wound. What are YOU going to do about it?

Up Next: “Triggering, Discernment, and Grace”