1 - Finding my voice
1-Finding my Voice
I want to be perfectly open and honest from the start – I’ve resisted writing this blog for a long, long time. Part of me is still resisting it. Several factors have played into that resistance including procrastination, not feeling like I had anything worthwhile to say, and the fear of how it would be received.
That last reason has probably been the most limiting of all. Oddly enough, it is not the reaction of strangers that I fear most – it the reaction of those who already know me, or who have known me before I became the person I am now.
I tend to be a loyal friend – keeping up connections with people even when I’ve moved away and started new aspects of my life. Some may say that tendency suggests a lack of boundaries (more on that in future blogs). I like to think of it as a way of expressing gratitude for the role that people played in my life when we were closer. Plus, I do truly enjoy hearing what my friends have been up to, even if our relationships are not as vibrant or robust as they once were.
Somehow, I’ve let my imagined reactions of friends who are no longer part of my daily life keep me from writing about how I’ve changed over the past decade or so. Silly, right?
On one level, yes. It’s silly because many of them will probably never read these posts. And those who do read it might be supportive. If they are not supportive, then perhaps we we’ve just grown farther apart than I imagined.
But on another level this fear is not so silly. I have changed enormously in the past decade. If you had told me in 2011 where I would be today, I would have told you it was impossible. But here I am.
Much of this blog will be about how I’ve gotten from 2011 to the present – what I’ve experienced, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve changed. I hope that my struggles and challenges might provide insight to others who are going through similar problems. In addition to insights, I hope these observations and musings might inspire people to believe they can change and grow.
In many ways, this blog is my second “coming out” process – learning to be clear about who I am, what I believe, and how I try to live my life. When I first came out in the early 1990’s it was to a select group of family and friends – usually involving long conversations on the phone or over a meal. This time, the coming out process is taking advantage of the latest technology to reach people I would never have been able to communicate with in the past. In some ways that is spectacular, but in other ways it is more daunting to truly “put yourself out there” in the digital world. I’m a typically introverted person, and being so public is quite a stretch for me.
One of my favorite recent authors is Madeline Miller, who wrote “The Song of Achilles” and “Circe” – both brilliant retellings of ancient Greek myths. I heard her once on a podcast where she described working on her second novel, Circe. She said that she wrote over 1,000 pages before she finally found the character Circe’s voice. Once she found her voice, then the rest of the novel just poured out easily from her.
This blog will be my attempt to find my voice, coming to terms with who I am, and how I got here. Most of the posts will be relatively short musings on a particular topic, such as forgiveness or compassion. Some posts will be autobiographical and help clarify how I got from point A to point B. Still others will be discussions of books or movies that have played a critical role in my life. In addition to helping me sort out who I am and what my voice is, I also hope these posts may provide guidance for others along the way.
Welcome to the Chronicles.
Up Next: “The Catalyst”
