7 - Unsolicited advice

7 – Unsolicited Advice

I recently hurt a friend’s feelings with some unsolicited advice.

Does this intro sound familiar? Perhaps like the start of a post I made a few weeks ago about hurting a friend’s feelings? I promise that all my posts will not revolve around what I’ve learned from blunders with my friends. However, this event stuck with me, and it feels important to explore.

My friend and I were just texting back and forth. She asked me a specific question on a specific topic. I answered her question. A related topic came up, and in my infinite wisdom, I offered my opinion on that topic as well. I could feel even when I sent the text that perhaps this advice wouldn’t land so well. The texting stopped, and it became clear that it hadn’t.

I was talking about it later with a colleague and her response was along the lines of “Why did you barge into something that wasn’t your business?” That response surprised me. It is a good question. I hadn’t thought about it in those terms. Despite my best intentions to “help” my friend, I had overstepped a boundary. In fact, I had barged into something that wasn’t any of my business. I acknowledged my mistake and apologized to my friend. The texting started again.

I’ve gotten unsolicited advice in the past and I remember how it makes me feel. Gratitude is definitely not the first emotion that comes up. My first reaction is typically a sense irritation and “what do they know?”

Here’s a recent example: When I was first creating my website, I spent a long time on the content. It wasn’t perfect, but I was pleased with what I had written. It was the best I could do at the time. I asked a friend to copy edit the document – checking for grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I was perfectly clear that I did NOT want advice on the content. There was no way I could completely revise it after I had already put so much effort into it. He corrected my mistakes, but then proceeded to give me extensive feedback on the content.

It was exactly what I didn’t want to hear. I became irritated, sullen, and angry. We ended the call. I eventually realized that my anger came from feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the prospect of having to revise the content. It was too much for me to handle in the moment. He meant well. It came from a place of genuine concern about how successful the website would be. But boy was I upset.

So why then, when I’ve disliked unsolicited advice in the past, did I end up offering it myself? Good question. Clearly a blind spot on my part. To be fair, I come by this defect honestly.

First, this is a family dynamic that I’ve just recently started to notice it. When someone brings up a problem or concern, the rest of the family proceeds to analyze the situation in great detail, from our different perspective, and then offer solutions to that problem. I am by no means exonerating myself – I jump in with opinions as often as everyone else does. It’s our default reaction. It come from a genuine place of concern, and a desire to help the other person with their problem. In many ways, it is our family’s love language. Instead of offering hugs, or compliments, or cooking for someone, we offer advice. I’ve also noticed recently that it’s simpler and more satisfying to provide a solution than to sit with the uncomfortable or difficult feelings that are often associated with the problem. But that is a whole separate topic for a later post.

Second, this habit got reinforced when I practiced as a physician for many years. It was literally my job to analyze what was going on with the patient and offer my opinion on what they should do. The vast majority of patients would listen to me. I spent a lot of time educating patients about their condition. I could lead them through my reasoning and explain why they should accept my recommendations. Sometimes, however, they didn’t want to hear what I had to say at all. They didn’t want advice, no matter how beneficial it might be. The best example of this was the people who weren’t ready to quit smoking. I had seen the long-term effects of smoking in so many other patients – cancer, heart disease, or lung disease. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to others. It felt like a personal failing when I couldn’t convince smokers to stop or even cut down. This frustration about unheeded advice (along with many, many other factors) contributed to my burnout. More on that later as well.

So I grew up with this habit and used it regularly as a physician. No wonder it is a reflex. Now, however, I’m trying to sit with this habit in a different way. This most recent interaction with my friend was a wakeup call. People often aren’t looking for advice when they bring up a problem - they usually just want to be heard. I’m learning to walk that line between being available as an empathetic listener and being ready to offer advice. I’m learning now that offering advice should only come when prompted. Clearly I have more learning to do on this topic.

I’ve started writing this post close to the New Year, so I’ll make a belated resolution to only offer advice when it is sought, and not to offer it freely as I have been. I foresee a future blog post where I document my decidedly mixed success with this resolution.

And, by the way, I eventually did take my friend’s advice about the structure and the content of the website. He was right all along, and it made the website so much better than it had been when it first went up. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with it, but I eventually got to a place where I felt grateful for his input.

Coming up: “Judgment vs Discernment.”